thebitterguy

There are a bunch of things wrong with the What If? Secret Wars oneshot I picked up a few days ago.

Starting with the fact that the backup feature is part five of five and makes no sense in terms of the history of either of the groups it's about (the Young Avengers and the Runaways). Both of those series' were a lot of fun, and didn't deserve this fuckery.

The main story tells the tale of what would happen if Dr. Doom were to keep the power of the Beyonder. Spoiler alert: He wins.

Okay. I'm gonna go through this and just throw out bullet points about why I hate this book.

* Doom! as sympathetic guy. Seriously, I don't think an omnipotent Doom! is any better as ruler of Earth than "Crematoriums and guillotines for shoplifting Vic" was for Latveria. Even when he was trying to free his mother from hell, he was a douchebag. Think about that. I can't imagine him developing a sudden burst of empathy and helping Sue Richards deliver baby #2.

* The Watchmen rips. "The Superman exists, and he is Latverian"? Doom! flashing back and forward in time on the moon like Manhattan on Mars? No, sir, Je Ne Pense Pas.

* The fight with the Celestials. Okay, this is just pointless nerd pedantry, but remember when The Beyonder came to Earth in Secret Wars II? Oh, you do. Don't lie. Anyway, at one point, he gets bored so he takes Tabitha (soon to become Boom Boom, proud member of every fucking superteam in history except the Avengers. Serioiusly, she was in Fallen Angels, X-Force AND Nextwave) to meet the celestials. They fight. He wipes the floor with them in eight panels. Yet, when Doom takes them on in this, it's a four hundred year battle that knocks the Earth out of its orbit just enough to cause an ice age.

Oh, wait, apparently that got retconned out. They took a dive. Fuck. And they annoy me, being Von-Danniken-sque Gods From Beyond the Stars type horseshit. Feh. I did love the whole "Galactus as Celestial ovovore (is that even a word?) " element of Earth X.

In addition, although it knocks Earth out of its orbit, it doesn't seem to affect the moon much.

Along the way, he also fights every superhero in the world at different locations. I like how, for some reason, Power Man & Iron Fist and their street level buddies decide to take him on in Times Square, while actual superheroes fight him in the desert somewhere. Iron Man fights him in Japan, and Doom! defeats him by permanently raising his blood alcohol. Yeah, that's a merciful thing to do.

Doom! also frees his mother from Mephisto's nose booger lair of doom. No, seriously. Mephisto keeps his captive souls in his sinus cavities, which is a huge mistake because hell is very dry.

Oh! One thing I DO love about this book is that it uses the same thing I used in rfmcdpei's "Von Doom's Latveria" post about Marvel Time forcing him into a post-communism role.

But overall, this book has no idea what the fuck Doom! is doing. He comes to Earth and telepathically inserts knowledge of what he did into everyone's brain. Destroys Wakhanda, Atlantis, Attilan, Asgard, and fights the Eternals and wrecks Uranus (huh, huh, huh).

He has the big superhero fight, helps Sue Richards delivery the baby (well, thank God, because I guess Doc Ock was still in transit back from FightPlanet), steals the Gems of Power and forms the Infinity Gauntlet, fights EVERY ALIEN RACE IN THE UNIVERSE (seriously, the Badoon? That's just showing off) and then... What? Sets up a fascist tyranny enforced by omnipotence? Reprograms every human mind to be a good citizen? Discovers true love and learns the error of his ways?

No. He never gets to do anything. He then gets into a big fight with the Celestials and loses his Beyond powers setting Earth in its orbit and then decides to retire to some pre-industrial culture.

The pure Doom!-sturbation of this book is sickening. Doom! has no motives. He gets power, uses it, and loses it, isn't he awesome? And he loves his Mom!

The colours in this book are too heavily grouped around a certain orange, and the artist either hates Cyclops or has trouble drawing faces.

And, appropriate for a Doom! What If?* it's narrated not by The Watcher but by Doom! himself.

Feh. Rage subsiding. Urge to kill... falling.

*Sometimes punctuating for ironic effect makes things look strange.

So, on game night last Thursday, the players and I decided to get the DM some useful stuff (a copy of the new 4E DM screen and some dungeon tiles) as a birthday present.

Quick note: Finding gamer appropriate greeting cards is just tough. I swear, I had to go to both card stores (Hallmark AND Carlton Cards) to find something that didn't indicate an overly familiar relationship. Last year I managed to find a "from all of us" card that was both appropriate for the level of intimacy implied and seemed to have the proper amount of geek hip on it.

While I was at Hairy T to pick them up (where they have a 20% discount on all WotC 4E materials this month, go shopping!) I found for myself a copy of the new edition of The Extraordinary Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

Apparently it's being produced under a specialty imprint by Mongoose, and is produced as a pocket sized hardcover. It looks very nice overall, with the exception of the Flaming Cobra logo inside, which just looks dumb. Seriously, it's awesome that MP is producing high quality material like this in a format that suits it, but the Flaming Cobra logo looks like something you'd see on the side of a van in the '70s.

( A copy of the logo should be behind this cut )

The original Baron Munchausen game was a strange storytelling venture/drinking game that allowed players to tell a story about one of their outlandish adventures, and other players could interject a plot complication into their narrative, but they could be bought off for a drink.

The game has been expanded quite a bit. There's an Arabian Nights version (the Sand Fantasy edition) called "The Baron's Late Adventures in Araby that is slightly different in play. In addition to being able to interrupt the active player, the the non-active players also generate the base narrative, providing them with the voyage out, the misfortune, the recovery from said misfortune, and the return home in possession of great riches.

It also eschews the alcohol content of the base game in favour of mint tea and dates.

There's also a version for kids called "My Uncle, the Baron". I haven't read too much of this.

There is one huge glaring problem with the book itself that seems to have crept in in the layout process. At the bottom of each page, below the last word on that page, is the first word on the next page. I have no idea if this is supposed to be a stylistic choice, or if it's just a fuck up, but either way it's darn annoying.

Otherwise, the book is enjoyable. The authorial voice is hilarious to read, and the concept of the game is one of those that seems like it would be hilarious to play in a good crowd.

Okay, let me start by getting this out of the way: I enjoyed the Annihilation line. I liked the first Annihilation series, and I liked Conquest only a little less. The larger Marvel universe is an awesome thing, and when it isn't being completely Terra-centric (Oh, look, the Skrulls are invading Earth. Again.) there are some neat stories to tell with space gods and alien armadas and all that fun.

But. Okay, here we go. Marvel just fucked me. Probably not for a lot, ten bucks or so, and they've ripped me off for a lot more in the past by producing shitty comics in general (see: Ultimates line).

But this latest example is just a bit too annoying, even for them.

As I said, I enjoyed Annihilation. Fun series. Annihilation: Conquest brought it down in scale a bit, and gave us some Star Lord, Bug ( of the Micronauts, Casanova of the Microcosm!) and Rocket Raccoon goodness (and a Brown Guy Who Died First, joy).

The story wove its way through a set of miniseries featuring the new Quasar and a new character, Wraith, as well as the core Annihilation: Conquest miniseries. It also featured Nova, now being featured in his own series.

And that's where I got fucked.

You see, after enjoying Annihilation so much, I got into its ancillary book, which was Nova's new series. Being Johnny Clever, I decided I'd just get it in trade paperback format. Yay, me! The first half of the Nova trade dealt with him returning to Earth and finding out what the Status Quo was after Civil War (answer: Characters messed up, setting not visibly different).

So he leaves, and goes to visit the Kree galaxy where the events of Conquest are happening. He gets involved with them, and goes off to have a new adventure.

So, that's three issues on earth, four issues in Spaaaace having adventures.

So, I then get Conquest book 2. Included in it are Wraith 1-4, Conquest 1-6 and... Nova 4-7. Wait. 14 issues, four of which I already have?

So, yeah, I buy a hardcover that contains previously digested meat, as it were.

But wait: it gets better. Nova's adventures continue after issue 7, you see. He goes off to the homeworld of some techno-organic guys (and, yes, we get to see Warlock) and has adventures there. These adventures are summarized in the pages of the Annihilation: Conquest 2 hardcover. They, in fact, sound very interesting. Why, then, are they not included in the pages of the Annihilation: Conquest 2 hardcover?

Because if they gave us that story, we wouldn't have to buy the second Nova trade paperback.

Super classy. Thanks a ton, Marvel.

At least it isn't one of those overly slim hardcovers that seem to be the rage today. You can sometimes luck out and get them at BMV or The Beguiling for $10, but it seems dumb to be selling three or four issues of story in a hardcover. A single tale written that way might be palpable (might!), but the worst is when they put a fragment of a larger story (I'm looking at YOU, Sinestro Corps War!).

On the other hand, I bought the entirety of Marvel's Messiah Complex in hardcover, and it was both confusing and not that interesting if you haven't been nipples deep in the X-Men mythology for most of the past decade. But I hope I can divest myself of that on ebay.

I have a LOT of stuff to get rid of on eBay. Apparently, over the past decade I actually bought a bunch of Ultimate books, because I don't fucking learn.

Man, that PVR is like manna from heaven. First off, I get to actually have the option to watch Survivor, which is good. And CSI, which can be good. And FF through commercials, which is good until it gets stuck.

Unfortunately, I also end up with two weeks of old Daily Show & Colbert Report's to watch. It's like a chore. Plus side, Colbert did a huge D&D reference while he was interviewing a poker champ last month.

Now, then: This week's Lost ( The Long Con )

The new Survivor is getting interesting.( Shrunken heads a go-go )

And then, there was CSI. ( With the return of Big B&D Mamma )

Man, that was a good movie. Nice tale of the life of a woman who wanted to be a model/actress, and ended up on the receiving end of the HJD spear (just like the comics industry).

Gretchen Mol's performance was one of those chameleon-like ones. The physical transformation alone (which won't get her an Oscar because that only happens if it makes you uglier) was astounding, but her performance felt organic and natural.

The story didn't have much of an over-arching narrative; instead, it told us about her life, including a short bit on each of her marriages and on her early life, but focussed primarily on her time in New York.

The bondage stuff was just hilarious. The way it started out as "oh, it's a special costume" to the Claws' siblings justifications for their clients peccadillos ("They're important people under a lot of stress") was interesting, as was Bettie's hilarious encounter with a fan ("Do we disgust you? Do you want to crush us?" made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee)..

I also liked how they made it clear she never just found God; she'd been a fairly devout person all along. I liked how she had a debate on how God would view her activities while she was tied up for a shoot.

Saw the film w/ Cynra, redeem147 and liquidize and a friend of hers. Bumped into SF maestro Derwin Mak on the street afterwards, which wasn't surprising. It would have been surprising if he HADN'T been there, really.

In the spirit of Victor Von Doom, BSc,I bring you another Big Hole Poked in Fantasy!

Okay, this time it's Star Trek. The REAL Trek (shame that really cool trailer's gone, I would have linked to it), the Original Series. Specifically, Space Seed.

Anyway, Kirk and Crew have found the Botany Bay, and are defrosting the worst group of terrorists and dictators know to history. Good idea, Jimmy.

Anyway, at one point, Lt. McGivers ganders at the swiftly warming Khan Noonien Singh and exclaims in a voice tinged with lust and historical curiosity "He's a Sikh! They're terrific warriors!"

Now, that's all and good. Unless you posses more knowledge of world religions than, oh, the average fetus. In which case, you might be somewhat familiar with some of the basic principles of Sikhism. Such as the unshorn hair. Or the turban.

Or the fact that he looks NOTHING, in fact, like an actual Sikh would look like. Apparently, Ships Historian in the federation is a political appointment. Either that, or she just read his name plate and saw the name "Singh", which is also one of the guidelines. But if she saw his name, why wouldn't she, the Ship's Historian, recognize KNS as, you know, a Eugenic Superbeing with balls of iron?

So, in summation: Ship's Historians are stupid, and Hollywood writers are also stupid. Put them together, and you have a perfect singularity of dumbness.

Okay, here's the deal: remember that Simpsons episode where they had the film festival? Remember how the winning film was always the one that had a guy getting hit in the crotch with a football?

There's one of two ways to react to that: A) you laugh, because it's a wonderful observation on lowbrow culture, and B) you laugh because, hey, that guy just got knocked in the nuts!

If you don't agree with B), you may not like Dodgeball. If the thought of a guy getting knocked in the nuts DOES make you giggle, you'll likely love it.

Rip Torn, Stephen Root and Alan Turdyk. Dude. It rocks.

Oh, yeah: Interesting thought. They took I, Robot, and turned it into a prequel for the Matrix films.

Discuss.

Very much enjoying Everything to Everyone, the new Barenaked Ladies CD. Certainly, the fact I like them probably damns me to a large number of you (to which I reply: pretentious bitches), but these guys were, to put it in simple terms, my college band. No, literally. I saw them during Frosh week at Carl Eton Memorial. Twice. The second time, they closed down the bar they played at and it didn't open for years.

God, I was such a slacker back then. But that's neither here nor there.

ETE is very good, better than Maroon, their last release. The best track on that album was called The Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel, a love song narrated by the victim of a fatal car accident. It's soft, mellow, and utterly tragic, with music that sounds like a carnival calliope.

One thing that grabs me about the new release is the cover art. Ever since we evolved from LP to CD (with the short interregnum of cassette tapes and the hopefully cover art has kinda suffered. CDs just don't have the proper space to showcase good cover art, so we get approximations of cover art. The BNLs have let their cover art evolve over the course of their career.

The previous high point was Born on a Pirate Ship, with a young lad, paper hat on his head, distending his mouth in the standard fashion that'll cause that phrase to come out so delightfully different. Stunt and Maroon both had unengaging cover art.

EtE has a painted photo-realistic cover, depicting the five band members standing in front of a sunset, mountains in the distance, a banner flapping above their heads.

The image is evocative of old Soviet propaganda art, with less idealism of the form (Steven Page's second chin still visible), with elements of Iwo Jima ;the five standing in a row, behind/beneath their flag, their blood and bodies bound to its principles. The banner is blank, reflecting that being everything to everyone can result in being nothing at all.

The music is the standard pop we've come to expect from them. Since they haven't stopped aging over the past decade, the songs reflect guys going into their thirties, with all the fears and sadness that that includes. Admittedly, that's guys who are millionaires going into their thirties, but hey. You can't be in Grade 9 for the rest of your life.

The Catchy Pop Hit of the album is Another Postcard, about a guy slowly being driven mad by someone sending him chimp decorated postcards from far away. Really, that's it. I haven't seen the video, but I'll bet you money it involved monkeys. Possibly monkeys performing the song while someone receives postcards with pictures of the band on it, but that's just one idea.

My two favourite songs on the album are Maybe, Katy about the 'hazards' of dating an older woman, and War on Drugs, about the medication of the crazy. WoD even mentions the Bloor St. viaduct and the Luminous Veil designed to prevent suicide leaps from that structure.

Really, you should never take music advice from me. I'm tone deaf, and not very critical. But EtE is a very enjoyable collection of music. If you enjoyed the BNL any time in the past decade and a bit, you'll probably enjoy this album. If you haven't, but are just suffering from a premature midlife crisis, this is cheaper than a sports car. And more dignified.

Someone asked me recently why they hadn't seen a new Bitter Guide lately.

I actually had to think about. I've got one in the works, and have had it on the back burner for some time now.

Then it hit me. It's a huge waste of time. "Yeah, sure! I'll write a few thousand words with NO feedback, and that'll have NO chance of ever accomplishing anything!"

Why not. Every other aspect of my life seems to have been fucked up beyond repair anyway.