The Bitter Guide to Van Helsing

[thebitterguy]

Finally got to catch VanHelsing. Enjoyable.

Yeah, you heard me. Enjoyable. That means I ENJOYED it. Sure, it felt like the first film in a franchise (although they HAVE really used all the good monsters in the first film, if you think about it), but I don't care. Doing the intro scene in B&W was cute, though. I think for Somers that's what passes for 'subtle'.

Sure, it required heavy SoD such as can't he swim UNDER the portcullis? It didn't go that deep. How do they support that many vampires in a city that size? Can a holy hand grenade REALLY take out EVERY vamp in a church? Does it open doors? Why the hell are they doing purely low tech super-gadgets when magic apparently works VERY WELL in this setting? And, hey, can those Transylvanian horses JUMP! Oh, yeah: And how FREAKING long does it take a clock to chime twelve o'clock in "darkest northern frozen Transylvania', anyway? That fight took forever, but was supposed to be 12 seconds. My ass. but I'm willing to absorb silliness in the interests of fun.

And with Dracula by Richard "36% of Gary Oldman for 10% the price!" Roxborough, werewolves by ILM, and a Frankenstein's Monster by... Okay, yeah, that was bad, but the Dracula and werewolf bits were enjoyable.

And having Smokey as the sidekick was funny too. "I'm not a monk, I'm a friar, and that means I can act like a man and swear and fuck and everything I feel like". So does that mean a friar is just a guy in a robe with a bad haircut who hasn't taken any sort of vows, or what (and, technically, that makes me a friar most mornings)? The line "a genius with access to unstable chemicals" had some resonance, too.

Whatserface from Underworld was mostly teh hott. Of course, you take any skinny chick, big her hair up and slap her in a corset and beeeeeg boots and you'd likely get the same effect.

Hugh Jackman? He's got some action hero in him, that's for sure. And at least this way he don't have to worry about getting typecast as Wolverine (although I'd still love to see a Wolverine/Hulk movie short about their first meeting, with Wendigo and all).

I eagerly await mr_weasel's hearty cries of woe at their foul depiction of the rural Transylvania of the late 19th century. It's just a movie, man.

The Werewolf FX were okay. I wonder if they could do a Werewolf film (is there anyone at White Wolf whose job is SOLELY to try to pimp out their IPs, or is that a general job description shared by all?). Oddly enough, the werewolves looked better than the flying vampire bits. Like they were made out of CGI rubber.

I think there was a story there, somewhere. It did to frame the action scenes, anwyay. The Robbie Coltrane cameo was appreciated, if un-necessary.

Gotta love the God Squad backing the big VH. Hey! Christians and jews and muslims and buddhists, working together in harmony to destroy evil. It brings a tear to your heart.

The Trailer for The Village looks good, but I think I'm starting to learn Shayamalan's visual language. Cut! Nothing there! Cut! Nothing There! Cut! A flash of colour! AHHHH! I'm gonna see it anyway.

Comments

[mr-weasel.livejournal.com]

I eagerly await mr_weasel's hearty cries of woe at their foul depiction of the rural Transylvania of the late 19th century. It's just a movie, man.


Woe! Woe! Woe! "Far side of Romania" indeed!

:)

[nottheterritory.livejournal.com]

but I think I'm starting to learn Shayamalan's visual language. Cut! Nothing there! Cut! Nothing There! Cut! A flash of colour! AHHHH! I'm gonna see it anyway.

That's probably the most insightful thing about Shayamalan I've ever read.