There are a bunch of things wrong with the What If? Secret Wars oneshot I picked up a few days ago.
Starting with the fact that the backup feature is part five of five and makes no sense in terms of the history of either of the groups it's about (the Young Avengers and the Runaways). Both of those series' were a lot of fun, and didn't deserve this fuckery.
The main story tells the tale of what would happen if Dr. Doom were to keep the power of the
Beyonder. Spoiler alert: He wins.
Okay. I'm gonna go through this and just throw out bullet points about why I hate this book.
* Doom! as sympathetic guy. Seriously, I don't think an omnipotent Doom! is any better as ruler of Earth than "Crematoriums and guillotines for shoplifting Vic" was for Latveria. Even when he was trying to free his mother from hell, he was a douchebag. Think about that. I can't imagine him developing a sudden burst of empathy and helping Sue Richards deliver baby #2.
* The Watchmen rips. "The Superman exists, and he is Latverian"? Doom! flashing back and forward in time on the moon like Manhattan on Mars? No, sir, Je Ne Pense Pas.
* The fight with the
Celestials. Okay, this is just pointless nerd pedantry, but remember when The Beyonder came to Earth in Secret Wars II? Oh, you do. Don't lie. Anyway, at one point, he gets bored so he takes Tabitha (soon to become Boom Boom, proud member of every fucking superteam in history except the Avengers. Serioiusly, she was in Fallen Angels, X-Force AND Nextwave) to meet the celestials. They fight. He wipes the floor with them in eight panels. Yet, when Doom takes them on in this, it's a four hundred year battle that knocks the Earth out of its orbit just enough to cause an ice age.
Oh, wait, apparently that got retconned out. They took a dive. Fuck. And they annoy me, being Von-Danniken-sque Gods From Beyond the Stars type horseshit. Feh. I did love the whole "Galactus as Celestial ovovore (is that even a word?) " element of Earth X.
In addition, although it knocks Earth out of its orbit, it doesn't seem to affect the moon much.
Along the way, he also fights every superhero in the world at different locations. I like how, for some reason, Power Man & Iron Fist and their street level buddies decide to take him on in Times Square, while actual superheroes fight him in the desert somewhere. Iron Man fights him in Japan, and Doom! defeats him by permanently raising his blood alcohol. Yeah, that's a merciful thing to do.
Doom! also frees his mother from Mephisto's nose booger lair of doom. No, seriously. Mephisto keeps his captive souls in his sinus cavities, which is a huge mistake because hell is very dry.
Oh! One thing I DO love about this book is that it uses the same thing I used in
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rfmcdpei's "
Von Doom's Latveria" post about Marvel Time forcing him into a post-communism role.
But overall, this book has no idea what the fuck Doom! is doing. He comes to Earth and telepathically inserts knowledge of what he did into everyone's brain. Destroys Wakhanda, Atlantis, Attilan, Asgard, and fights the Eternals and wrecks Uranus (huh, huh, huh).
He has the big superhero fight, helps Sue Richards delivery the baby (well, thank God, because I guess Doc Ock was still in transit back from FightPlanet), steals the Gems of Power and forms the
Infinity Gauntlet, fights EVERY ALIEN RACE IN THE UNIVERSE (seriously, the Badoon? That's just showing off) and then... What? Sets up a fascist tyranny enforced by omnipotence? Reprograms every human mind to be a good citizen? Discovers true love and learns the error of his ways?
No. He never gets to do anything. He then gets into a big fight with the Celestials and loses his Beyond powers setting Earth in its orbit and then decides to retire to some pre-industrial culture.
The pure Doom!-sturbation of this book is sickening. Doom! has no motives. He gets power, uses it, and loses it, isn't he awesome? And he loves his Mom!
The colours in this book are too heavily grouped around a certain orange, and the artist either hates Cyclops or has trouble drawing faces.
And, appropriate for a Doom! What If?* it's narrated not by The Watcher but by Doom! himself.
Feh. Rage subsiding. Urge to kill... falling.
*Sometimes punctuating for ironic effect makes things look strange.
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