Fuck Nancy Grace!

[thebitterguy]

As some of you may recall, I had a sleep study a few months ago. Wonderful experience, really. Well, after dodging followups for a few weeks, I went and got the bad news: I stop breathing approximately 36 times an hour while sleeping (which is a moderate case of Sleep Apnea,/a>).

I apparently suffer from something called a "small throat", which if you've ever eaten with me will be a bit of a shock. So the doc is suggesting I get a CPAP machine (or as eyebeams calls it, a Darth Vader machine).

I'll admit, my nighttime breathing habits are curious ones; as anyone who's ever slept in the same room as me can attest, if you don't get to sleep first, you don't get to sleep. So, I'm gonna go next week and get myself a CPAP machine. Apparently my health plan covers a fuckload of it, but I suspect that's from the same amount as my massage. Dammit!

Anyway, I have an appointment to get fitted for one next week, which apparently takes an hour and a half (Fun!). After that, I get to try and then go in for another sleep study to see how well it's working. Can you smell the excitement?

Man. Why can't I just have lasers shot into my esophagus*?

Amusing thing: My Pulmonary specialist's first name is Tetsuo. He gives the patter for "your breathing is bad and here's how you can fix it" so smoothely I think he's given it a million times before (and I suspect he's got shares in the CPAP company). But everytime I looked at his certificates I flashed back to Akira.

Awkward.

Anyway, there's lots of fun to be had. Apparently I'll be on the machine until I need another machine to assist my breathing, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. So it will be another lifelong accessory, just like my wife.

*Rherotical question!

Comments

[thetathx1138.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's a rhetorical question, I think it's a damn good one!

[thebitterguy]

Apparently the laser surgery is not very effective.

[thetathx1138.livejournal.com]

Please. Since when has a laser been ineffective? Lasers get results, dammit!

[james-nicoll.livejournal.com]

At one point, OHIP subsidized CPAP machines. I think this went away in the dying days of the Harris regime but I could be wrong.

[james-nicoll.livejournal.com]

I was wrong. There's still a subsidy:

http://www.proresp.com/sleep-cpapfunding.html

"Funding For CPAP Therapy

CPAP equipment is partly government funded for most people who have an Ontario Health Card. The Assistive Devices Program (ADP) is the branch in the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care that will cover 75% of the cost of your equipment up to a maximum of $780. If you are receiving social assistance benefits from Ontario Works (OW) or Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP), you may be eligible for more funding."

[thebitterguy]

Yeah, Doc Tetsuo made sure to let me know that they covered a portion of it.

[viktor-haag.livejournal.com]

Gah. Sorry about that Justin. I know someone else who uses one of these things, and he swears it helps, so I hope it makes a positive difference for you guys as well.

[thebitterguy]

I'm sure it can't hurt. I'm pretty resigned to it at this point. I figure it's no worse than braces, but I keep dreaming about wearing a retainer.

[thetathx1138.livejournal.com]

Just make a Darth Vader outfit your new pajamas.

[thebitterguy]

Done, and done.

[bandersnitch.livejournal.com]

Hope this helps. (http://www.cafepress.com/buy/darth+vader/-/pv_design_prod/pg_1/p_storeid.87342061/pNo_87342061/id_15753358/opt_/fpt_/c_666/)

[james-nicoll.livejournal.com]

Be warned that if you have a cat:

Some cats like to eat the silicone nose pads on masks. They also will go after the straps. Also, the hoses.

Other cats think the air from the outflow part of the mask is attacking them and they will respond in kind.

For other cats, a mask is just the place to throw up in.

A humidifier is useful in the winter.

[thebitterguy]

Oh, man. The doctor never tells you that stuff.

Like my cats need ANOTHER place to throw up in.

[james-nicoll.livejournal.com]

On the plus side, having a CPAP can completely change your level of wakefulness for the better. It did for me, which is why most of the stories that end with me running for the Grand River Emerge with a sack full of former body parts mostly predate me getting my CPAP.

[tenzil.livejournal.com]

What does Nancy Grace have to do with it?

[thebitterguy]

She doesn't believe sleep apnea exists.

[elizalavelle.livejournal.com]

Is this a version of sleep apnea? My friends little brother has that and has one of those machines and what he doesn't know (because his parents wanted him to try working) is that he qualifies for disability. Fun fact ;)

[thebitterguy]

Yep, sleep apnea. My case is thankfully a moderate case, because if it's severe enough that would require me to have a CPAP or my driver's license would be suspended.

[james-nicoll.livejournal.com]

Disability for apnea? Really?

[elizalavelle.livejournal.com]

Yup. My guess is that he has a pretty severe case of it.

[iamnikchick.livejournal.com]

Hey man, as you know Pramas just got himself one of them there sleep studies as well. He's got a small airway as well. and he started snoring as a teen so this has been building for years. If it's any consolation at all, I've known many people who have gotten a CPAP and every one of them swears it changed their lives. I even know a guy who went on to lose over 100 pounds and radically change his life for the better once he was able to sleep and breathe at the same time.

[thebitterguy]

I could do with some weight loss, that's for sure. But I'll settle for a good night's sleep.

I'll keep an eye out to see how Chris' CPAP voyage progresses.

[rentagurkha.livejournal.com]

That's almost identical to my case. I've had the machine for two weeks now and I have to tell you I hate the damn thing. I am told, however, that I will eventually get used to it and it's true that it's not as much of a pain as when I started.

Cindy, on the other hand, will probably love it. Leslie tells me that I don't snore AT ALL with it on.

[thebitterguy]

I'm sure she and the cats will be delighted to not have to deal with the log sawing.

I figure it's a thing to get used to. What kind of breating piece do you have?

[rdansky.livejournal.com]

The trick is not to roll over on your face with the mask on. That tends to sound like this:

*thump*
*crunch*
*snurlgeburglenorf*
*HISSSSSS*
"Huh? Wha? My eye!"

Trust me on this one.

[thebitterguy]

I'll keep that in mind. So now I just need to figure out a way to keep perfectly still while I sleep.

[rdansky.livejournal.com]

Duct tape works.

[thebitterguy]

I'm pretty sure duct tape for medical purposes is covered under OHIP, too.

[rdansky.livejournal.com]

You Canadians think of everything!

[doc-mystery.livejournal.com]

All the best of improving your OSA with your new CPAP!

::B::

[thebitterguy]

10-4!

[bandersnitch.livejournal.com]

My father and two good friends share that same affliction.

Its something I encounter more and more each day.

Hope this lets you sleep better.

[scapersuse.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine has a CPAP. She calls it Locutus.

[thebitterguy]

Oh, excellent idea.

[hilson.livejournal.com]

My uncle in Milton has a CPAP machine. He's retired and likes to sleep during the day so maybe you could time shift the machine.

[thebitterguy]

Excellent. Hopefully the pressure settings are easy to adjust; I'd hate for one of us to use the wrong setting and get an embolism or something.

[james-nicoll.livejournal.com]

Somewhere or other I have a calculation of just when the air pressure of my CPAP will be adjusted to a high enough pressure to damage my lungs. It's comfortably far off.

I would have liked to do one for when I will explode like a balloon but do you know there's no good source for how much internal pressure it takes to make a human blow up real good?

[hilson.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there's an episode of Red Green that shows you how to make your own using car filters and duct tape.

[iamnikchick.livejournal.com]

I'm sure we;ll have more to say as things progress. Good luck in the meantime. Don't be so sad! CPAP is a positive thing. :)