Killing Jerry Seinfeld
Feb. 2nd, 2002 02:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebitterguy(Warning: the following, while listed as a 'hit list', does not actually indicate any intent on my part to kill, main, hurt, or cause bodily or emotional harm to any of the people listed on it. It is a work of satire, of loving jibing, and a big joke. I do not intend any harm to any person on God's green Earth, and all men are my brothers. And, God, I'd love to lose 20-30 pounds and get my hair back. I also swear a lot, so don't read it if you're emotionally fragile).
I'm going to kill Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Alexander.
I'm gonna kill them slow and mean. Or fast and mean. The only thing that mattes is the killing.
Why? You're asking WHY? Fuck.
Here's why. The name "George" (or "Costanza", but an old friend of mine from J school has that name, and she wasn't too bad). If you're a man of a certain demographic (receding hairline, chunky frame), you don't need me to explain it. But if you ain't, well, sit right down and you'll hear a tale.
You ever watch Seinfeld? I'll bet you did. I watched it once or twice. Funny show. One dimensional, shallow even, but amusing. Except for one thing.
The name "George Costanza" (or just fucking "George") has become cultural shorthand for "short, balding fat guy". Hell, it's practically the N-word (I'm too white to use The N-Word in conversation, yet too brown to get into a country club. Fuck!) for my demographic. "Yeah, George", and any fucking point I had to make gets tossed out the window. A hypothetical example:
Me: "But you have to admit, the actions of the Egyptian government are pretty much comparable to what the Americans are doing: They're taking terrorists and shutting them down in whatever way they have to. It's utter hypocrisy to say 'That poor third world country is doing what it has to for stability' while that rich first world country is doing the same thing for kicks. Sure, they're messed up in other ways, but let's be reasonable here."
Bill Maher: "Whatever, George."
Audience chimp: "Bill called him George! His opinions are useless!"
So, yeah, there's gotta be killing.
First off, Larry David. His sins are many. First off, he created the show. Sure, the character was based on him. But he's rich now, and has profited from the pain of his brothers. Hence, he shall stand against the wall.
Curb Your Enthusiasm also sucks. Seriously. The planet isn't working right if that's considered a funny show. It's seriously the single largest example of masterbatory tv in history that isn't on Pay Per View.
Jerry Seinfeld. Created the show. Wrote the show. Made bald chunky guys buffons. Abuses Superman. Did you SEE that Amex commercial? If the George wasn't enough, I would kill him for the Superman Amex commercial. Doesn't he KNOW that Superman has a pocket in his cape where he carries all his stuff? Schmuck.
Jason Alexander. I COULD kill him. Could. But isn't the humiliation of Bob Patterson enough? Can't I be satisfied with the thought of him sitting with Micheal Richards drinking cheap vodka while Richards waits for a "UHF" dvd release party?
Nope. He played George. He got, what, $10 million a season? He's gotta die. Ain't no room for Uncle Toms in the BCGWO (Balding Chunky Guy World Order).
So, there's gotta be killing. Like Shane said, um.. Something about how there's gotta be killing.
I'd rather there not be killing. I really would. But the choice ain't mine to make.
I'm going to kill Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Alexander.
I'm gonna kill them slow and mean. Or fast and mean. The only thing that mattes is the killing.
Why? You're asking WHY? Fuck.
Here's why. The name "George" (or "Costanza", but an old friend of mine from J school has that name, and she wasn't too bad). If you're a man of a certain demographic (receding hairline, chunky frame), you don't need me to explain it. But if you ain't, well, sit right down and you'll hear a tale.
You ever watch Seinfeld? I'll bet you did. I watched it once or twice. Funny show. One dimensional, shallow even, but amusing. Except for one thing.
The name "George Costanza" (or just fucking "George") has become cultural shorthand for "short, balding fat guy". Hell, it's practically the N-word (I'm too white to use The N-Word in conversation, yet too brown to get into a country club. Fuck!) for my demographic. "Yeah, George", and any fucking point I had to make gets tossed out the window. A hypothetical example:
Me: "But you have to admit, the actions of the Egyptian government are pretty much comparable to what the Americans are doing: They're taking terrorists and shutting them down in whatever way they have to. It's utter hypocrisy to say 'That poor third world country is doing what it has to for stability' while that rich first world country is doing the same thing for kicks. Sure, they're messed up in other ways, but let's be reasonable here."
Bill Maher: "Whatever, George."
Audience chimp: "Bill called him George! His opinions are useless!"
So, yeah, there's gotta be killing.
First off, Larry David. His sins are many. First off, he created the show. Sure, the character was based on him. But he's rich now, and has profited from the pain of his brothers. Hence, he shall stand against the wall.
Curb Your Enthusiasm also sucks. Seriously. The planet isn't working right if that's considered a funny show. It's seriously the single largest example of masterbatory tv in history that isn't on Pay Per View.
Jerry Seinfeld. Created the show. Wrote the show. Made bald chunky guys buffons. Abuses Superman. Did you SEE that Amex commercial? If the George wasn't enough, I would kill him for the Superman Amex commercial. Doesn't he KNOW that Superman has a pocket in his cape where he carries all his stuff? Schmuck.
Jason Alexander. I COULD kill him. Could. But isn't the humiliation of Bob Patterson enough? Can't I be satisfied with the thought of him sitting with Micheal Richards drinking cheap vodka while Richards waits for a "UHF" dvd release party?
Nope. He played George. He got, what, $10 million a season? He's gotta die. Ain't no room for Uncle Toms in the BCGWO (Balding Chunky Guy World Order).
So, there's gotta be killing. Like Shane said, um.. Something about how there's gotta be killing.
I'd rather there not be killing. I really would. But the choice ain't mine to make.
