For reference
Feb. 4th, 2007 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebitterguyA review of Highlander from 10 years ago
Dunno what happened to the various punctuations.
It was almost a Van Damme movie. 'Nuff said
By Justin Mohareb
I�m rather upset that the fantasy genre is so starved for quality films that we�ll embrace a mediocre piece of crap like Highlander as a paragon of �what we want.� Hell, Highlander made The Fifth Element seem like a well-constructed film. And The Fifth Element at least had some decent actors.
The sequels were no joys to behold � the second one was galactically painful, possibly the worst sequel ever made, and the third was, well, a remake of the first � but the first Highlander film was, to be honest, crap.
The main reason for its crappiness � and this is a pretty big one � was the star, Christopher Lambert. Has he EVER made a good movie? You ever see Knight Moves? Truly the high-point of the chess/action genre.
Fortress (shudder)? I still wake up screaming thinking about that. Gunmen? A film that was onlymemorable because Patrick Stewart said the �F� word?
Then, there was Greystoke: The legend of Tarzan. Whenever I bring up my theory (that Chris Lambert can�t act!) people always bring this film up. Why? The man had to act like an ape! Five year olds do this, and usually more believably. His great emotional scene consisted of him screaming incoherently (the mark of a Julliard graduate), and climbing a tree. And he didn�t get an Oscar for it? Highway robbery!
And one more thing � why is it every film he makes has a completely gratuitous sex scene in it? Does he require it to bolster his standing as an actor?
�I require to be make love to a woman.�
�But this film is about chess. The only scene with a living woman is a reporter who hates your character�s guts. She gets murdered in the next scene!�
�I require to be make love to a woman.�
Or a more relevant reason, the �immortal sex appeal� plot hook, which requires every woman who finds out he�s gonna live forever to play hide-the-salami with him. If he�d told any men, it would have turned into �immortal all-leather oil wrestling,� or something.
Then, on to Highlander. The best actor in this movie was Clancy Brown. Then came Sean Connery (you ever see Trainspotting? I subscribe to the Sickboy school of philosophy when it comes to Connery). The performances of the rest of the cast felt like they were being read from cue cards � the anchors on the six o�clock news have more feeling than that.
To be deadly honest, the Kurgan was one of the few characters in this movie with any empathy. His only bad action in the film, and I�ll admit this was a doozie, was his rape of Heather. Now, you can insert the traditional �violent sex crimes are a scourge of society, and nothing can justify that kind of action� platitude here. Of course, when you consider that the main character (old kilt-boy with NO Scottish accent himself) was involved in an attempt at family genocide at the beginning of the film, you begin to realize they�re none of them angels.
What exactly did the Kurgan do in the current-day sequence of the film that was �bad?� Kill the black guy? What, you think they were all there for dinner? Attack the survivalist militia member? All he did was shoot him with an automatic weapon. Steal the car and drive away? As opposed to peeling off through the Gardens at mach 12 and beating up a few cops?
When looked at from a dramatic point of view, the Kurgan is the most interesting character in the film. He motivates the story, leading it to its final, although illogical conclusion.
And that�s another thing. The Kurgan had a few centuries of immortality on McCleod, and he was bigger, stronger, and a better swordsman than him � Lambert�s sword scenes played like he was a drunk flunkout from a fencing school. So, of course, he loses. I don�t think so.
Another small quibble is the establishing duel. Why exactly was McCleod at the Gardens? Stalking Fazil? Was it an agreed-upon thing? In either case, why meet him (or chase him) to such a public place? Central Park at midnight � you won�t get bothered.
For the most fun, try tracking down the �Director�s Cut� of Highlander, complete with the famous and completely pointless �Nazi scene.� I think I could easily have lived without Lambert�s punch-drunk delivery of �Whatever you say, Jack, you�re the Master Race.� You�d think after living in �lots of different places,� he�d at least speak German. After the film, you get treated (or rather, subjected) to a lovely discussion by the director and producers of the film, explaining why they were such geniuses. I was initially surprised, as most of the time you only find a half-hour masturbation session in a porn film. When I got this, I watched it through to the conclusion, only because I was incapable of stopping it due to paralysis.
Of course, none of this is meant to reflect on the TV series based on the film. From what I�ve seen, its lead is a fine actor, and has a beautiful singing voice.
Oh yeah, I liked the Queen soundtrack, too. But only the hard rocking parts.
Dunno what happened to the various punctuations.
It was almost a Van Damme movie. 'Nuff said
By Justin Mohareb
I�m rather upset that the fantasy genre is so starved for quality films that we�ll embrace a mediocre piece of crap like Highlander as a paragon of �what we want.� Hell, Highlander made The Fifth Element seem like a well-constructed film. And The Fifth Element at least had some decent actors.
The sequels were no joys to behold � the second one was galactically painful, possibly the worst sequel ever made, and the third was, well, a remake of the first � but the first Highlander film was, to be honest, crap.
The main reason for its crappiness � and this is a pretty big one � was the star, Christopher Lambert. Has he EVER made a good movie? You ever see Knight Moves? Truly the high-point of the chess/action genre.
Fortress (shudder)? I still wake up screaming thinking about that. Gunmen? A film that was onlymemorable because Patrick Stewart said the �F� word?
Then, there was Greystoke: The legend of Tarzan. Whenever I bring up my theory (that Chris Lambert can�t act!) people always bring this film up. Why? The man had to act like an ape! Five year olds do this, and usually more believably. His great emotional scene consisted of him screaming incoherently (the mark of a Julliard graduate), and climbing a tree. And he didn�t get an Oscar for it? Highway robbery!
And one more thing � why is it every film he makes has a completely gratuitous sex scene in it? Does he require it to bolster his standing as an actor?
�I require to be make love to a woman.�
�But this film is about chess. The only scene with a living woman is a reporter who hates your character�s guts. She gets murdered in the next scene!�
�I require to be make love to a woman.�
Or a more relevant reason, the �immortal sex appeal� plot hook, which requires every woman who finds out he�s gonna live forever to play hide-the-salami with him. If he�d told any men, it would have turned into �immortal all-leather oil wrestling,� or something.
Then, on to Highlander. The best actor in this movie was Clancy Brown. Then came Sean Connery (you ever see Trainspotting? I subscribe to the Sickboy school of philosophy when it comes to Connery). The performances of the rest of the cast felt like they were being read from cue cards � the anchors on the six o�clock news have more feeling than that.
To be deadly honest, the Kurgan was one of the few characters in this movie with any empathy. His only bad action in the film, and I�ll admit this was a doozie, was his rape of Heather. Now, you can insert the traditional �violent sex crimes are a scourge of society, and nothing can justify that kind of action� platitude here. Of course, when you consider that the main character (old kilt-boy with NO Scottish accent himself) was involved in an attempt at family genocide at the beginning of the film, you begin to realize they�re none of them angels.
What exactly did the Kurgan do in the current-day sequence of the film that was �bad?� Kill the black guy? What, you think they were all there for dinner? Attack the survivalist militia member? All he did was shoot him with an automatic weapon. Steal the car and drive away? As opposed to peeling off through the Gardens at mach 12 and beating up a few cops?
When looked at from a dramatic point of view, the Kurgan is the most interesting character in the film. He motivates the story, leading it to its final, although illogical conclusion.
And that�s another thing. The Kurgan had a few centuries of immortality on McCleod, and he was bigger, stronger, and a better swordsman than him � Lambert�s sword scenes played like he was a drunk flunkout from a fencing school. So, of course, he loses. I don�t think so.
Another small quibble is the establishing duel. Why exactly was McCleod at the Gardens? Stalking Fazil? Was it an agreed-upon thing? In either case, why meet him (or chase him) to such a public place? Central Park at midnight � you won�t get bothered.
For the most fun, try tracking down the �Director�s Cut� of Highlander, complete with the famous and completely pointless �Nazi scene.� I think I could easily have lived without Lambert�s punch-drunk delivery of �Whatever you say, Jack, you�re the Master Race.� You�d think after living in �lots of different places,� he�d at least speak German. After the film, you get treated (or rather, subjected) to a lovely discussion by the director and producers of the film, explaining why they were such geniuses. I was initially surprised, as most of the time you only find a half-hour masturbation session in a porn film. When I got this, I watched it through to the conclusion, only because I was incapable of stopping it due to paralysis.
Of course, none of this is meant to reflect on the TV series based on the film. From what I�ve seen, its lead is a fine actor, and has a beautiful singing voice.
Oh yeah, I liked the Queen soundtrack, too. But only the hard rocking parts.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 06:39 am (UTC)Oh, and the sword-fighting in that movie is a crime to behold. There's actual techniques to the form, ya know.
Bad stuff. Just really bad stuff, but it resonates with fanboys.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 07:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 01:14 pm (UTC)My dad loved Highlander, though, in all its incarnations. I guess everyone needs a guilty pleasure. I just don't get where that pleasure is.
Then again, I like Smallville, and therefore people think I'm nutty.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 01:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 05:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 03:11 pm (UTC)And Highlander was one of my gateways into geek culture, so I'll love it just for that.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 06:54 pm (UTC)But at least it's not Robert Jordan.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 03:43 am (UTC)"I require to be make love to a woman."
"But this film is about chess. The only scene with a living woman is a reporter who hates your character's guts. She gets murdered in the next scene!"
"I require to be make love to a woman."
Sounds like him, alright.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 03:52 am (UTC)