The !Holiday! Bitter Guide to handling Friggin' Punks.

[thebitterguy]

Okay, so each and every one of you who chose to participate in the hallowe'en candy grab-a-bration last night probably had to deal with a few Friggin' Punks. Friggin' Punks are usually late teenagers whose costumes consist of not much mroe than a scowl. The Bitter Guy has a solution. Today is End of Season for Hallowe'en treats. Go down to your local grocery store and pick up a bag of those atrocious generic taffy things, with the Hallowe'en imagery on the wrappers. Yeah, those. The Taffies of Hate.

Save them. Trust me, you won't be tempted to eat them, barring the end of civilization, in which case spiting obnoxious teenagers will be the least of your worries, after hordes of refugees, radiation storms and zombies.

Next year, get your regular treats for the good little boys and girls. Place them in a bowl by the door. Take the Taffies of Hate and place them in another bowl.

When good little boys and girls come to the door dressed in whatever is the fashion of the year (next year, I predict it will be... I have no idea, actually. If I could prognosticate like that, I'd own a small town in central Ontario), give them the nice treats. I enjoy gummy fangs.

When the Friggin' Punks arrive (and they will, usually after the good children have finished their rounds, even after you've extinguished your candle), simply look them over. Inspect them carefully. Perhaps, even, inquire "what are you supposed to be?" Interjecting "exactly" at any of several points, or as a followup sentence, works well.

They may fidget, or mumble some reply. If they do, enjoy that while you can. Awkwardness is a rare state for Friggin' Punks. Then, reach your hand into the auxilliary bowl and hand them... A Handful of Hate. Enjoy the feeling of the hard (for when they get stale, they are oh, so hard. And stale they will be, by about Christmas) candy in the unforgiving wrappers. Do not place it into the bag, thrust it at the Friggin' Punks. Open your hand and let it drop out, like gravesoil onto a coffin. Smile a rigid smile. Smile a brittle smile. Allow none of the joy you feel at that moment to come out. Perhaps, if you're equipped for it, raise an eyebrow at them, and wish them a happy Hallowe'en. Then close the door.

You may wish to watch them as they leave, to prevent any retribution, although the Playstation generation seems incapable of the finer arts of revenge; buying eggs or TP seems beyond them.

When they get home, they'll eventually eat them (possibly in a junk food jones state), shattering their teeth on the fossilized taffy. Which is, admittedly, a mercy compared to eating the Taffies of Hate. But I am a merciful Bitter Guy.

So, I bid you, happy Dios De Muertos!

Comments

[indefatigable42.livejournal.com]

I just read several posts about kids buying up eggs and shaving cream, or at least trying to, last night. Don't underestimate someone whose teeth you're trying to break.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

So . . . how many eggs to you expect to marr your beautiful Smart Car the following morning? Or, if they have long memories, the following Devil's Night?

I gave them the cheap stuff - tootsie rolls - and I wasn't as polite, but I don't fancy the notion of slipping on egg white and falling down the stairs, thankyouverymuch.

[rickj.livejournal.com]

That is a brilliant idea. We didn't have any punks this year, but it was kinda rainy. We had some last year.

[redeem147.livejournal.com]

Those little taffies are my very favourite Halloween candy. If you give me some, I will consider it a reward for something.

They aren't very good for my fillings, but I don't care.

That's the trouble when your kids grow up. There's no treat bags to steal from. (My dad always told me peanuts were bad for me - so he took them all. Nice how he was protecting me).

[anidada.livejournal.com]

Have I told you lately that I love you? (And the wife, of course, but she knows that already. *wink*)

Weird note: the punks in our neighbourhood were out before the little kids. Guess 'cause they didn't have to wait until after dinner, or something.

[sassy-fae.livejournal.com]

The great thing was, your treats were rewarding to the little ones and uninspiring to the older ones! I guess the down side would be finding stickers plastered to the side of your house or car, though.

Taffies of Hate are an awesome idea. I almost wish I hadn't thrown out the old crappy candy from last year! :D

[pyat.livejournal.com]

I've heard someone suggest freezing the left-over craptaffy each year... eventually, rock hard jawbreakers comprise the entirety of the hate bowl.

[thebitterguy]

Ohhh. Most evil. I like.

[doc-mystery.livejournal.com]

We got only a couple of such surly, unimaginative teens.

They got the little packs of potato chips from those Halloween boxed packages, where each little pack has the equivelant of one chip ground up into little potato flakes.

As for your plan, well, I hope you have a closed garage to keep your Smart Car.

::B::

PS As for the TP and eggs revenge, we did this in high school in Barrie. I remember once after dressing up a tree with toilet paper colourfully smeared with brown and green camoflage make-up, a jeep with two 'adults' (some 20-something men with shaved heads and wearing paramiltary gear) drove *across* the city park we were cuttting through (making deep earth tracks in the park), pulled up and hostilely interviewed us (all evidence of our minor crimes gone by this point, and we were all dressed up as knights, ghosts, etc.).

One of my friends, dressed as a ninja, was a little off to one side as we stood there and took this abuse before the 'adults' pulled hooting off, and then drove in a strangely erratic fashion. Our ninja friend, telling us to beat it fast through a ravine, told us that while the 'adults' were distracted, he had let the air out of both rear jeep tires.

[thebitterguy]

I hope you have a closed garage to keep your Smart Car.

Trust me, Smartie can take care of itself.

That story's great. Was that at Our Mutual Acquaintance's?

[doc-mystery.livejournal.com]

Nah, we we didn't do that at our MA's.

Instead, what we did at our MA's was the week before Halloween gather together all the empty pop cans which we had accumlated in my parent's basement, pop cans drained from several months of playing AD&D and playing "Space Invaders" on my woodgrain Sear's Atari 2100. I was the DM so we gamed at our place on a small billiard table in our unfinished basement, the table which was perfect for our purposes,the green felt good for bouncing dice, and the side pockets as holders for our pop-cans. The pop itself was a freebie from my mom, who later admitted it was a small price to pay to get no-name slats of pop which she got at discount from No Frills to keep me and my friends off the street and out of trouble most Friday nights.

Anyway, the Crayon Crew (my Dad's name for our Friday Night gaming group) snuck out in the night after midnight one evening of AD&D, with four large garbage bags full of empty no-name cola pop cans. We walked over to our MA's place about 15 minutes away, jumping into shadows or into bushes whenever a car went by (including one police car!).

Our initial plan of building a vertical wall in front of our MA's parent's place front door was thwarted by some ineptitude from some of the members of our skullduggery party, and the wall fell over with a clatter and a light went on inside the house!

We were surprised when the meekest member of our cabal, R. said sharply, "Oh, the heck with this," (or words to this effect) and simply upended the other garbage bags all over the front porch with an incredible clatter, a sound familiar to those who recycle nowadays, but a sound entirely unfamiliar for a fall evening circa 1983-1984.

We high-tailed it out of there, with the sounds of dogs barking and the glow of neighbour's porch lights going on behind us.

Not a lot of finesse, but boy, was that fun!

(heh heh...I nearly forgot about that episode!)

::B::

[madmanofprague.livejournal.com]

Most of the Frigging Punks I know got dressed up and went clubbing downtown.

[thebitterguy]

Well, if they got dressed up and went out they're not Friggin' Punks, now are they?

[madmanofprague.livejournal.com]

I guess not. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/nothing_nice/29065.html)

The More Passive-Aggressive Version

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

We got many fewer punks this year than usual, due to weather I think, but on Halloween night I was wondering anyway about how hard it would be to market lumps of coal in legit wrappers (Snickers, 3 Musketeers, etc.) for people who, like me, don't want the little thugs to know that they got served until much later, when they can no longer remember who gave them the "hate" candy (thus avoiding property damage). I think the licensing fees would be too high.

I wonder how hard it would be to just open and reseal the wrappers after swapping the contents by hand? And I don't know where to buy coal, so it would have to be cigarette butts instead. Hmm ....

Re: The More Passive-Aggressive Version

[selenite.livejournal.com]

There was a webcomic (can't remember where I saw link, sorry) showing a guy prepping flyers titled "How to Tell You're Too Old to Go Trick or Treating". I may make a stack of them to hand out next year. Though this year was pretty good at our house, guess the teenagers didn't like the cold.

Re: The More Passive-Aggressive Version

[thebitterguy]

You could always just buy charcoal briquettes.

I'd suggest using one of those ronco gadgets for sealing foods. It would do the trick.

[jeffreyab.livejournal.com]

No Friggin Punks this year and I usually get sheepish punks.

They are how I get rid of excess candy at the end of the night.

[thebitterguy]

But then, you're REWARDING them. The excess candy is YOURS. It's a reward for YOU! You bought the snacks, you carved the pumpkin, you appreciated the chillins'. YOU get the candy.

They, on the other hand, deserve punishment. They deserve... The Candy of Hate.

[uniquecrash5.livejournal.com]

That's a fab idea.

I keep seeing your comments in other friends' journals, and reading yours amused me. Mind if I friend you?

[thebitterguy]

No prob. Welcome to the party.

[troy-duffy.livejournal.com]

Hey, I feel like I should introduce you two :) What a small freakish world though, cause I know you both, but I have no clue which mutual friend (or LJ "friend") you might have. Freaky.

[thebitterguy]

I believe it was cargoweasel; he's a cool guy.