A Short Play

[thebitterguy]

 

Scene: A Doctor's Office. THE DOCTOR stands centre, reading a clipboard.

THE BITTER GUY enters.

THE DOCTOR
Why, hello there, Bitter Guy! What can I do for you.

THE BITTER GUY
(coughs theatrically)
Well, doc, I seem to have a bit of a cough.

THE DOCTOR
(brandishes stethescope)
Let's have a listen!

THE DOCTOR places the stethescope against THE BITTER GUY 's chest. He moves it around a couple times and then his face goes grim.

Oh My God.

THE BITTER GUY
That bad, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
Nah, I just realized while listening to your chest that the universe is cold and uncaring and any action we take is just an unwinnable battle against entropy.
(beat)
But you do have a chest infection. So I'm going to give you antibiotics.

(THE DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of pills and hands it to THE BITTER GUY)

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, wearing a different shirt and gingerly holding his throat.

THE DOCTOR
Hey, Bitter Guy! How did those Antibiotics work out for you?

THE BITTER GUY
Fine, doc, but now I have a weird soreness in my throat and the back of my mouth.

THE DOCTOR looks into The Bitter Guy's mouth. He reaches in and pulls out a mushroom.

THE DOCTOR
Yep, you've got a fungal infection. It's a common side effect of the antibiotics. Here, take this mouthwash and it should clear up.

(THE DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of liquid and hands it to THE BITTER GUY )

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, wearing a different shirt and with a large bulge in his pants.

THE DOCTOR
Hey, Bitter Guy! How did that mouthwash work out for you?

THE BITTER GUY
Fine, Doc, but now I've got a case of priapism.

THE DOCTOR
Holy Crap. Do you ever. Okay, I'm gonna give you a hormone shot, that should take care of it.

THE DOCTOR takes a syringe out of his pocket and shoots it into THE BITTER GUY's arm.

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, wearing a different shirt with wet circles on his chest.

THE DOCTOR :
(looks at THE BITTER GUY's crotch)
Hey, Bitter Guy! I see that shot cleared up the priapism!

THE BITTER GUY
Yeah, doc, but now I'm lactating.

THE DOCTOR
You certainly are! I'll give you another shot for that.

THE BITTER GUY
Another shot? What's this one?

THE DOCTOR
It's Ebox. You know how Botox is derived from Botulism toxin, one of the most lethal poisons in the animal kingdom?

(THE DOCTOR and THE BITTER GUY tun to audience)

BOTH:
It's true, folks!

THE DOCTOR:
Well, this is derived from Ebola.

THE BITTER GUY:
What? Is that even possible? Are you sure it's safe?

THE DOCTOR
Most of the time.

THE BITTER GUY
Well, anything's better than oozing milk out of my nipples. Although it will make preparing my morning tea a little more difficult.

THE DOCTOR gives THE BITTER GUY a shot in the arm

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, with his face and clothing covered in blood.

THE DOCTOR
Hey, Bitter Guy. I see the lactating has stopped.

THE BITTER GUY
Yeah, Doc, but now I'm bleeding uncontrollably.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, that's a side effect of of the Ebox. It's liquifying your internal organs.

THE BITTER GUY
(agape)
Jesus! Can you give give me something for that?

THE DOCTOR
Nope, In fact, you'll probably drop dead in about...
(checks watch)
two seconds

THE BITTER GUY
Why you son of a
(dies)

THE BITTER GUY stands, and he and THE DOCTOR take hands, bow towards the audience, and EXIT.



A) No, THE DOCTOR is not The Doctor.

B) I have no actual idea on how to format a script.

C) First Draft! First Draft! 

D) At this point, I am still just taking the mouthwash.  We'll see where that goes.

Comments

[deven-science.livejournal.com]

You need to end it in a Homer Simpson star-wipe.

[absinthe-dot-ca.livejournal.com]

Author, author!

[srhall79.livejournal.com]

Showing all the positives of that free health care, eh?

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Huzzah!

[vampyrehunterm.livejournal.com]

I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me. Well, mostly I laughed.

[jkahane.livejournal.com]

Not bad, Justin, not bad at all. Not a good play, mind you, but made me laugh...well, actually that was almost choke, given that my flu has my throat shut down tight and all...and the coughing...and...

If you have the flu, you'd know what I mean. :)

Good stuff!

[malliabu.livejournal.com]

I liked the uncontrolable bleeding.

Re: Good stuff!

[thebitterguy]

No one's commented on the lactating, though.

[thebitterguy]

Thankfully, I haven't had a legitimate flu in forever (knock wood), but yeah, I know the feeling. And thanks.

[thebitterguy]

I was aiming for laughter, but a few tears are also good.

[thebitterguy]

I was actually gonna have them bow and say "Hurray for socialized medicine", but figured that was just weird.

[thebitterguy]

Heh. I had to look that up.

[thebitterguy]

Thank yew kindly.

[adamjury.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if it was about socialized medicine, you wouldn't have been able to get in to see the doctor after the second time.

Re: Good stuff!

[doc-mystery.livejournal.com]

You've now just permanently scarred my brain...

::B::

[jkahane.livejournal.com]

This is the first time in at least ten years that I have come down with the flu. Normally, the flu shot has done the job and kept me pretty healthy during flu season, but not this time around it seems. *sigh* :(