For the Rasslin connoisseurs among you
Feb. 18th, 2006 09:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebitterguyThis week, the USA Raw showing was delayed by a dog and pony show (or at least just a dog show), and I provided the recap for the NGO-Uncensored mailing list.
I reprint it here, for your amusement.
Greetings, my fellow NGOites. In lieu of Badass normal enthusiastic rantery, Your Humble Bitter Guy has offered to step in to cover this week's Raw. Apparently there's a dog show going on, which pre-empts Raw and allows for WCW to put on big shows.
Or something like that. Really, I haven't been paying much attention to the whole thing for the past eight years or so.
So, to start: Raw is live from Greensboro, North Carolina. Okay, I know why there's two Virginias, but two Carolinas? Just mush 'em together and get one good one.
If this seems incoherent, BTW, I wish to blame it all on my profusely bleeding skull. I bladed myself a while ago during my semi regular shaving ritual.
Anyway, Greensboro, home of the UNC Spartans, truly one of the least generic college football team names ever. Back when my HS alma mater Holy Cross was in its formative years, I suggested the team name Crucifiers. You don't wanna know what the mascot was gonna be.
Anyway, to start off the show, HHH comes out for... A match? This seems terribly, terribly wrong. Apparently he's to face the Big Show as part of a tournament to see who gets first crack at the buffet this year at the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies. Oh, man, Hunter, he'll Kill ya.
So, yeah: The Guy Who's on the Booking Committee vs The Guy Who Ate the Booking Committee. Special guest ref appears to be the pride of Kingston, Ontario, Dan Akyroyd. God, I hate that guy. King appears to be dead, as it's the smooth sounds of Styles & Coach.
They start the match, and Big Show immediately starts using HHH's torso as a sounding board. Say what you will, but BS puts the meat in meaty slaps.
Big Show is working on HHH's hands, since apparently HHH broke his. I know this because the announcers tell me so. I am grateful that they share their wisdom. The crowd is fairly narcoleptic, really. A short burst of defense on HHH's part, and they're outside the ring, where Show removes a blade from his elbow pads in the most clumsy display of legerdemain in human history. In a shocking twist, Big Show ends up the one slashed open. That's a lot of blood, actually.
Off to commercial, where we see a Wrestlemania add that features two iconic WM Moments: Rey in his Flash costume, and Liberace dancing with Rockettes. If you can take both of those and distill them to their primal elements, you'll save yourself a wad of cash on the WM boxed set.
Back, and Big Show looks like a 500 pound steak tartare. Oh, wait, Coach is there. And with the sight of blood, the crowd is showing signs of life as if they've had their Breakfast Lattes. HHH and Big Show trade finishers. Big Show kicks out so hard he nearly turns Hunter into a UFO. If you play Big Show forward at double speed, he moves normally. That's cool. If you ran him at 4x, he'd move like a cruiserweight.
The two titans of the mat move out of the ring, where they're... counted out? Jesus, Dan, I know you're still sore about Blues Brothers 2K, but What? A countout?
There's an attempted Announcer table crush, reversed into a facial slap, HHH grabs a steel chair and gets tackled through the wall. Ouch. That's painful. He's folded like a 7 high. Seriously, he can smell his knee pads. Okay, that's not unusual. But he can LICK them, now.
Well, the announcers are confused, so we go back for a moment with Mr. McMahon. Vinnie Mac is plotting something to torment Shawn Michaels, which is like candy. Admittedly, it won't be what I'm looking forward to (that involves a pair of pliers, and a blowtorch), but it should be amusing. Ohhh, flashback sequence. Shawn's crying. Sniff, sniff. He lost his smile. Did you look behind the couch?
Anyway, Vince is looking ominous and is saying Nothing can be Assumed in the WWE. He didn't see no winner! He saw no LOSER! Blah, blah, three way, blah blah. Then he sodomizes the interviewer.
Shelton Benjamin comes in with his mama, and, Oh, God, is that a muumuu? She pleads for Mr. McMahon to give her boy a chance, at the exact same moment the Rise & Fall of Jim Crow is on TVO. My remote finger and my sense of irony both twitch uncontrollably. Vince promises to make Shelton #1 contender for the intercontinental championship if he beats Eugene in a "most wasted potential" match, with special guest ref Marc Magnus.
That's a wonderful offer, really. Who's Intercontinental champ, again? Oh, right, Flair.
Anyway, Vince swiftly approaches his "being touched by women and Negroes" threshold, and orders Shelton & Mama out of the room.
Cut to: Mick Foley, singing Big Time. Edge & Lita come in, she tries to vamp him up (and, for the record, I'd hit that. Lita, not Mick Foley. Although I'm sure his hands are quite tender). Oh, critical botch, as she is caught lying about reading his book.
Edge cuts to the chase and DEMANDS Foley not be Cena's bitch. Mick replies something about cheese and Wrestlemania, and says Edge is a dick, but he'll play fair. Ahhh, how nice.
Cane Dewey.
Hey, Roddy Piper will be doing his one man show "You Stink, you Stink, and the whold damn wedding stinks" live in St. Catherines before No Way Out. He now has the same haircut that I did when he was enjoyable. It's still a bad haircut. I feel sorry for him, being in St. Catherines. That's like hell but without reliable heating.
Wrestlemania Ad Infinitum is brough to you by Snickers. "Snickers! Yes, they still make them."
Shelton and Eugene face off and do what they can with what they have. The match contains moments of watchability, but is over before either enthusiasm or apathy can kick in. Shelton wins, in case you care.
Up next: A diva match. Oh, man. One of the performers has a dog. Which makes me grateful for many things, particularly that this match is half an hour in dog years but less than five minutes in human time.
Oh, yeah: Smearing a dog anus on your opponenet's face? Not classy.
Read this: http://www.shortpacked.com/d/20060207.html
The one with the pigtails wins using a Cameltoe Rollup.
Anyway, up next? Sean Micheals gets his 'Big farewell', including a horrible appearance by the Spirit Squad (these guys were supposed to be good cheerleaders once, right?). It's mostly Vince doing his "I'm going slightly mad, teeheehee" shtick, making me long for the subtlety and finesse of Linda McMahon. I don't like Mr. McMahon, I don't like
HBK, so a tension filled confrontation between them is, well, 20 minutes of JJJ BS I don't need. And Shawn talks, and talks, and talks, and wasn't his mic supposed to be off?
What angle are they setting up here? And where will it be on the WM card?
In other news: Bret Hart to be inducted into WWE hall of fame. April 1st. Oh, my. What horrid, horrid timing. God, don't let this be some dumb work.
Okay, before RVD vs Chris Masters, I have a confession. As little as I pay attention to the WWE product these days, I kind of like that Masters kid. Sure, over-reliance on physique, no mic skills, and a finisher that's kinda lame (full nelson?). But he's amusing to watch.
So, RVD vs Chris Masters. The two of them put on a good match, compensating for Masters lack of mobility and experience (oh, Lord, who botches an Irish whip? Now, really) and giving everyone a good time by having RVD dive into the lap of some guys in the front row.
RVD gets the win with his signature frog splash, and goes on to fight HHH & the Big show in next week's Triple Threat main event.
Onto a skit, and who's this Jack guy, and why is he hitting on my girlfriend? Aaaannnnd... Single White Female? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? OK, never seen SWF, but I'll bet it's just like this. Couldn't the cameraman just tell Trish what happened? Or couldn't they go back to an instant replay?
Promo for the most tasteless angle ever (Eddie's in hell. That's just fucking CLASSY. Worse than a dog anus as a finisher).
Ultraviolet, BTW? I've only seen the trailer, but it's a better purgative than Ipecac. She should so never have dumped Besson.
A moment of silence for Andreas Katsulas, B5's Ambassador G'Kar. He was a great performer, and from all accounts a great guy.
Cena Vs. Edge, with special guest ref Mick Foley. Coach suspects that Foley might not call it down the middle, revealing his knowledge of the "guest referee" concept is sadly lacking.
I really love the new Fido commercials. If they would just pass the "phone # transfer" thingy, I'd be shifting there ASAP.
Edge Vs Cena. Fight, fight, fight. Look, kids. I fell asleep watching it last night, so I'm only trying to drag this undead carcass across the finish line, thanks to the wonder of PVR.
Ok, I give it too little credit. The two guys put on a good match, with two partial FUs, a ref bump, Edge tapping, and a belt shot ending in a Cena victory. I think Lita's been cutting back on her use of Skank, for Women, as she's resumed some level of non-ickiness. So, barring a miracle, Cena gets to have a main event match at WM. Feh.
Ah, well. Not the most unpleasent way to spend two hours. It beats being shot in the face.
I reprint it here, for your amusement.
Greetings, my fellow NGOites. In lieu of Badass normal enthusiastic rantery, Your Humble Bitter Guy has offered to step in to cover this week's Raw. Apparently there's a dog show going on, which pre-empts Raw and allows for WCW to put on big shows.
Or something like that. Really, I haven't been paying much attention to the whole thing for the past eight years or so.
So, to start: Raw is live from Greensboro, North Carolina. Okay, I know why there's two Virginias, but two Carolinas? Just mush 'em together and get one good one.
If this seems incoherent, BTW, I wish to blame it all on my profusely bleeding skull. I bladed myself a while ago during my semi regular shaving ritual.
Anyway, Greensboro, home of the UNC Spartans, truly one of the least generic college football team names ever. Back when my HS alma mater Holy Cross was in its formative years, I suggested the team name Crucifiers. You don't wanna know what the mascot was gonna be.
Anyway, to start off the show, HHH comes out for... A match? This seems terribly, terribly wrong. Apparently he's to face the Big Show as part of a tournament to see who gets first crack at the buffet this year at the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies. Oh, man, Hunter, he'll Kill ya.
So, yeah: The Guy Who's on the Booking Committee vs The Guy Who Ate the Booking Committee. Special guest ref appears to be the pride of Kingston, Ontario, Dan Akyroyd. God, I hate that guy. King appears to be dead, as it's the smooth sounds of Styles & Coach.
They start the match, and Big Show immediately starts using HHH's torso as a sounding board. Say what you will, but BS puts the meat in meaty slaps.
Big Show is working on HHH's hands, since apparently HHH broke his. I know this because the announcers tell me so. I am grateful that they share their wisdom. The crowd is fairly narcoleptic, really. A short burst of defense on HHH's part, and they're outside the ring, where Show removes a blade from his elbow pads in the most clumsy display of legerdemain in human history. In a shocking twist, Big Show ends up the one slashed open. That's a lot of blood, actually.
Off to commercial, where we see a Wrestlemania add that features two iconic WM Moments: Rey in his Flash costume, and Liberace dancing with Rockettes. If you can take both of those and distill them to their primal elements, you'll save yourself a wad of cash on the WM boxed set.
Back, and Big Show looks like a 500 pound steak tartare. Oh, wait, Coach is there. And with the sight of blood, the crowd is showing signs of life as if they've had their Breakfast Lattes. HHH and Big Show trade finishers. Big Show kicks out so hard he nearly turns Hunter into a UFO. If you play Big Show forward at double speed, he moves normally. That's cool. If you ran him at 4x, he'd move like a cruiserweight.
The two titans of the mat move out of the ring, where they're... counted out? Jesus, Dan, I know you're still sore about Blues Brothers 2K, but What? A countout?
There's an attempted Announcer table crush, reversed into a facial slap, HHH grabs a steel chair and gets tackled through the wall. Ouch. That's painful. He's folded like a 7 high. Seriously, he can smell his knee pads. Okay, that's not unusual. But he can LICK them, now.
Well, the announcers are confused, so we go back for a moment with Mr. McMahon. Vinnie Mac is plotting something to torment Shawn Michaels, which is like candy. Admittedly, it won't be what I'm looking forward to (that involves a pair of pliers, and a blowtorch), but it should be amusing. Ohhh, flashback sequence. Shawn's crying. Sniff, sniff. He lost his smile. Did you look behind the couch?
Anyway, Vince is looking ominous and is saying Nothing can be Assumed in the WWE. He didn't see no winner! He saw no LOSER! Blah, blah, three way, blah blah. Then he sodomizes the interviewer.
Shelton Benjamin comes in with his mama, and, Oh, God, is that a muumuu? She pleads for Mr. McMahon to give her boy a chance, at the exact same moment the Rise & Fall of Jim Crow is on TVO. My remote finger and my sense of irony both twitch uncontrollably. Vince promises to make Shelton #1 contender for the intercontinental championship if he beats Eugene in a "most wasted potential" match, with special guest ref Marc Magnus.
That's a wonderful offer, really. Who's Intercontinental champ, again? Oh, right, Flair.
Anyway, Vince swiftly approaches his "being touched by women and Negroes" threshold, and orders Shelton & Mama out of the room.
Cut to: Mick Foley, singing Big Time. Edge & Lita come in, she tries to vamp him up (and, for the record, I'd hit that. Lita, not Mick Foley. Although I'm sure his hands are quite tender). Oh, critical botch, as she is caught lying about reading his book.
Edge cuts to the chase and DEMANDS Foley not be Cena's bitch. Mick replies something about cheese and Wrestlemania, and says Edge is a dick, but he'll play fair. Ahhh, how nice.
Cane Dewey.
Hey, Roddy Piper will be doing his one man show "You Stink, you Stink, and the whold damn wedding stinks" live in St. Catherines before No Way Out. He now has the same haircut that I did when he was enjoyable. It's still a bad haircut. I feel sorry for him, being in St. Catherines. That's like hell but without reliable heating.
Wrestlemania Ad Infinitum is brough to you by Snickers. "Snickers! Yes, they still make them."
Shelton and Eugene face off and do what they can with what they have. The match contains moments of watchability, but is over before either enthusiasm or apathy can kick in. Shelton wins, in case you care.
Up next: A diva match. Oh, man. One of the performers has a dog. Which makes me grateful for many things, particularly that this match is half an hour in dog years but less than five minutes in human time.
Oh, yeah: Smearing a dog anus on your opponenet's face? Not classy.
Read this: http://www.shortpacked.com/d/20060207.html
The one with the pigtails wins using a Cameltoe Rollup.
Anyway, up next? Sean Micheals gets his 'Big farewell', including a horrible appearance by the Spirit Squad (these guys were supposed to be good cheerleaders once, right?). It's mostly Vince doing his "I'm going slightly mad, teeheehee" shtick, making me long for the subtlety and finesse of Linda McMahon. I don't like Mr. McMahon, I don't like
HBK, so a tension filled confrontation between them is, well, 20 minutes of JJJ BS I don't need. And Shawn talks, and talks, and talks, and wasn't his mic supposed to be off?
What angle are they setting up here? And where will it be on the WM card?
In other news: Bret Hart to be inducted into WWE hall of fame. April 1st. Oh, my. What horrid, horrid timing. God, don't let this be some dumb work.
Okay, before RVD vs Chris Masters, I have a confession. As little as I pay attention to the WWE product these days, I kind of like that Masters kid. Sure, over-reliance on physique, no mic skills, and a finisher that's kinda lame (full nelson?). But he's amusing to watch.
So, RVD vs Chris Masters. The two of them put on a good match, compensating for Masters lack of mobility and experience (oh, Lord, who botches an Irish whip? Now, really) and giving everyone a good time by having RVD dive into the lap of some guys in the front row.
RVD gets the win with his signature frog splash, and goes on to fight HHH & the Big show in next week's Triple Threat main event.
Onto a skit, and who's this Jack guy, and why is he hitting on my girlfriend? Aaaannnnd... Single White Female? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? OK, never seen SWF, but I'll bet it's just like this. Couldn't the cameraman just tell Trish what happened? Or couldn't they go back to an instant replay?
Promo for the most tasteless angle ever (Eddie's in hell. That's just fucking CLASSY. Worse than a dog anus as a finisher).
Ultraviolet, BTW? I've only seen the trailer, but it's a better purgative than Ipecac. She should so never have dumped Besson.
A moment of silence for Andreas Katsulas, B5's Ambassador G'Kar. He was a great performer, and from all accounts a great guy.
Cena Vs. Edge, with special guest ref Mick Foley. Coach suspects that Foley might not call it down the middle, revealing his knowledge of the "guest referee" concept is sadly lacking.
I really love the new Fido commercials. If they would just pass the "phone # transfer" thingy, I'd be shifting there ASAP.
Edge Vs Cena. Fight, fight, fight. Look, kids. I fell asleep watching it last night, so I'm only trying to drag this undead carcass across the finish line, thanks to the wonder of PVR.
Ok, I give it too little credit. The two guys put on a good match, with two partial FUs, a ref bump, Edge tapping, and a belt shot ending in a Cena victory. I think Lita's been cutting back on her use of Skank, for Women, as she's resumed some level of non-ickiness. So, barring a miracle, Cena gets to have a main event match at WM. Feh.
Ah, well. Not the most unpleasent way to spend two hours. It beats being shot in the face.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 02:44 am (UTC)I see the super-snarky mocking review is still considered witty, somewhere. Canuckislavia, apparently.
It wasn't a bad RAW (nor was it a particularly great one, either.) I'm glad Horseface didn't win the title back (though I honestly thought he would.) So I'm guessing it's Cena vs RVD for WM (unless they go with Cena vs HHH - but I just figure since Stephanie's got a bun in the oven, Trips prolly won't get the belt for a while so he can be with Grandchild #2 when the time has come.) But that's not the usual WM main event - Face vs Face matches aren't terribly common. Unless one of 'em will turn heel during the match...
I dunno, I don't think the Eddie angle going on is any worse than the Dominick angle from last year. If Eddie was cool with that, then I'm sure he would be cool with this one, and his family is, b/c they'll be at No Way Out at ringside. (And even if they're keeping quiet about it b/c they're getting money from it, oh well.)
Seriously, if you're looking for "classy", wrestling is the wrong entertainment to be watching. Try something like Boxing or Basketball or... huh. Ne'er you mind.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 02:45 am (UTC)Oh.
The Frank Miller cartoon?
Now, that's funny.