May. 22nd, 2009

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So, in the halcyon days of the '80s, one man stood for the supremacy of the American male. Rocky Balboa. A plucky, scrappy boxer from Philadelphia, Rocky faced every challenge that came to him with determination and a swollen face.

This is not about him.

Rocky had two great foes he faced in his career. One, a boxer from the mean streets with a neck full of gold and a hunger to succeed (and possibly the Eye of the Tiger. I can't be sure). The other, Rocky's Soviet counterpart, the greatest achievement of Communist Sports Medicine.

Clubber Lang, portrayed in a career making role by Mr. T (who would go on to drive the van), defeated Rocky in their first match. Rocky had allowed himself to be softened by success, which left him a ripe target for Lang's prison hardened rage. Although Lang was eventually defeated by Rocky (Spoiler!), Rocky's defeat left him shaken to the core.

Some time later, Rocky would once again be forced back into the ring to face Ivan Drago, a Soviet super boxer. Rocky initially declined to fight Drago, only to have the gauntlet taken up by his one-time adversary, now friend, Apollo Creed. After a James Brown laced opening, Creed would be slaughtered in the ring, LITERALLY, leaving a grief stricken Rocky to take the fight back to the Motherland. After an equally ostentatious Soviet Style pre-show (Red Army Choir & showgirls), Rocky defeated his outsized opponent before giving the audience a tear-stained paean to world peace.

The next day, the Berlin Wall fell.

So! We look now to see who would be triumphant in this battle between Rocky's defeated foes. Would it be the South Side Slugger, or the Iron Curtain? Let's Get Ready to Rumble (and also Violate Trademarks)!

[Poll #1403937]
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