An Amusing Lie I Told my Classmates
Jun. 25th, 2008 09:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebitterguyThis past weekend's reunion/BBQ was a big 'ol ball of fun/neurosis for me.
To combat any possibility of boredom, I thought about inventing a variety of fake jobs to tell people I was doing. Of course, I got lazy, so I abandoned the plan.
Until I got to the party, and someone asked me what I did. I present to you: My half of the conversation.
The Bitter Guide to: Lying to people you haven't seen in years!
Oh, I'm a QA tester for a horse semen exporter.
Primarily by using an electron microscope to test for motility. *
But you can also check by taste.** Quality HJ (oh, that's a technical term we use***) has a nutty flavour to it.
We sell by quality more than quantity. Easier on the horses that way. We have two Queen's Plate winners in our stables, and a pair of horses who Showed in the Kentucky Derby. They don't call it that anymore, because the state of Kentucky has imposed license fees on the word "Kentucky".****
Occasionally they'll ask me to help with harvesting. No, no, I just help by stimulating the prostate. You really have to get in there. It's a lot like checking an apple for freshness.
Most guys use gloves, but I think that ruins the sensation.
Are you okay? You look kind of green? Can I get you something to drink?
*A lie. I presume you wouldn't need an electron microscope, as a regular one would probably do the trick.
** Another lie. Although any actual horse semen testers out there are free to contradict me.
*** Short for "Horse Jizz".
**** Another lie, but this one was originally told by Snopes, so I don't feel too bad.
The worst part was several of my co-workers were very, very interested in my fake job. I kind of wish I really did that. Or something that interesting.
To combat any possibility of boredom, I thought about inventing a variety of fake jobs to tell people I was doing. Of course, I got lazy, so I abandoned the plan.
Until I got to the party, and someone asked me what I did. I present to you: My half of the conversation.
The Bitter Guide to: Lying to people you haven't seen in years!
Oh, I'm a QA tester for a horse semen exporter.
Primarily by using an electron microscope to test for motility. *
But you can also check by taste.** Quality HJ (oh, that's a technical term we use***) has a nutty flavour to it.
We sell by quality more than quantity. Easier on the horses that way. We have two Queen's Plate winners in our stables, and a pair of horses who Showed in the Kentucky Derby. They don't call it that anymore, because the state of Kentucky has imposed license fees on the word "Kentucky".****
Occasionally they'll ask me to help with harvesting. No, no, I just help by stimulating the prostate. You really have to get in there. It's a lot like checking an apple for freshness.
Most guys use gloves, but I think that ruins the sensation.
Are you okay? You look kind of green? Can I get you something to drink?
*A lie. I presume you wouldn't need an electron microscope, as a regular one would probably do the trick.
** Another lie. Although any actual horse semen testers out there are free to contradict me.
*** Short for "Horse Jizz".
**** Another lie, but this one was originally told by Snopes, so I don't feel too bad.
The worst part was several of my co-workers were very, very interested in my fake job. I kind of wish I really did that. Or something that interesting.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-26 03:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-26 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-26 07:06 pm (UTC)Oh, that is the best stuff I've heard in at least two weeks. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-27 07:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-29 02:55 am (UTC)